Five Essentials of Anger Management

Anger management remains a hot topic for the web, as evidenced by the 20,300,000 entries popping up in just 0.3 seconds. After decades of working through my own short-fuse, I’ve discovered five essentials of anger management that have helped me get a grip.

For a long time, my stomach tightened whenever confronted with Bible verses such as, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Eccl. 7:9), and “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20 NIV)

I listened just fine–until something provoked me. Then, I forgot all about being slow to speak and slow to anger. I jumped in with both feet, unloading a lap full of foolish anger. Sometimes, I’d misunderstood. Even the times I’d been accurate in my understanding, I discovered it didn’t make me feel one bit better to react in anger.

Today, my struggle resembles more of a tussle than World War III. I recognize that I’ll be practicing the five essentials of anger management for the rest of my earthly life. I do want to produce the righteousness God desires.

The following is the acronym that has helped me, making 20,300,001 bits of advice from which you may choose:

Accept

I had to accept the truth that anger is a choice. Yes, you can help it.

Consider this scenario: You are screaming back at your teenager who came home from school loaded for bear. You were the first bear she ran into, and now both of you are saturating the air space with vitriolic banter. The doorbell rings, though it’s a miracle you heard it, right?

Fists balled and face crimson, you stop and peek through the little viewer. The pastor is about to ring a second time.

Throwing open the door, you greet Reverend Goodguy.”Oh Pastor, how wonderful you’ve come to visit,” you say with a smile the size of Texas, hoping he thinks that burning red glow is from the joy of his unannounced appearance. “Come in. Come in. Would you like some tea?”

The rage evaporated the instant you spotted the good reverend. How can that be if it’s just not something you can control? Fortunately for Pastor Goodguy, you can turn it off at will.

Now, to find a way to keep from exploding in the first place.

Notice

Take notice of what factors or situations will trigger your anger flares. Recognizing and avoiding these triggers will go a long way in preventing flares or helping us choose better responses.

Sometimes I just couldn’t figure out why I reacted the way I did. My ah-ha moment came when I read that anger can be a disguise for emotional pain. The individual explodes in angry words instead of bursting out in tears. I found the majority of my past episodes fell into this category.

I identified three additional factors that sometimes strained the reins on my latent short-fuse:

• Fatigue. Several consecutive days of fatigue made it harder to put minor offenses in a proper light.

• Hunger. Struggling to finish a project, I put off eating lunch. When the phone rang at four o’clock, my gruff, “What?” instead of my cheery, “Hello,” had an obvious source.

• Frustration. Being totally blind, any project takes a lot more effort and time than it did when I had sight. Mistakes made in the rush to deadline could trigger an unpleasant outburst of my own

What can be done for those times when my feelings have been hurt, and I sense the sizzle stirring?

Give

Dad’s advice echoes in my mind. “Give the other guy a break.” I can’t know what happened in his life moments before the hurtful phrase pierced my heart. It’s every bit as likely that the verbal dagger had not been meant for me.

The Apostle Paul understands that anger may invade our lives from time to time, so he’s written God’s command concerning how to handle it. “In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Eph. 4:26 NIV)

In submitting to this passage, before I retire for the night, I practice these two additional gives:

• Give the person who hurt you an opportunity to be forgiven. Many times the offender has no idea that the words/deeds hurt you. Humble yourself and speak up.

• Give yourself the opportunity to be forgiven. It’s not okay to say, “That shouldn’t have hurt you; it was nothing.” Clearly, it was something to the one who experienced the pain. Ask to be forgiven.

Though dealing with painful offenses is best done immediately, when I’m not ready to handle it right away, I move to the next of the five essentials of anger management.

Exercise

Exercise restraint? Good guess, but I had sweat in mind here. I’ve discovered that working out feelings of anger can prove beneficial before responding. Restrain from shooting back a text or email immediately. I exercise hurtful emotions away on a treadmill.

No treadmill in your living room? Cleaning out that garage or washing those windows you’ve been putting off for weeks now will provide you the same physical work, and give you the satisfaction of the overdue job getting finished. (Note: Put on some good music as you work so that over-active mental responding to the hurt can be bathed in beautiful sound. Songs with words are the best. Sing along.)

Sometimes working out the pain can help you get a grip on the meaning behind the offensive message. Maybe you misunderstood the intended meaning. Maybe the message is accurate, and you do need to make some change; be honest with yourself.

The sun is setting; time to act.

Respond

I’ve discovered that how I choose to respond doesn’t change with geography. Over the years lived in various cultures, I’ve experienced Proverbs Fifteen in action.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov. 15:1)

My host country in Africa has many tribes, each with its particular method of dealing with conflict. In my first post, the people allowed for one speaker at a time to present his case. No one spoke until he finished. Each respondent, whether an elder in the tribe or a party in the conflict, had an opportunity to speak. The entire meeting had the air of tranquility. No harsh words disrupted the order.

The people in my second posting, on the other side of the country, demonstrated the extreme opposite. Hot words flashed from all sides simultaneously, each speaker shouting louder than the next to be heard. Even the victor in the conflict left angry.

As I work through the five essentials of anger management, I understand that each time I respond is important, regardless of the particulars. My attitude needs to be one of humility and seeking understanding, not victory or revenge.

I reckon I’ll be working on anger management as long as I sojourn on this earth. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I am getting better as I mature. I find it easier to overlook the painful words of others, praying for them instead of responding in kind

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Prov. 19:11)

Take a moment today to consider your own plan for anger management. Feel free to share it; there’s always room for one more.